"The More You Suffer, The More You Show You Really Care. Right? Yeah-hah Yeah!"

That one line from The Offspring strikes a chord about my self-esteem.

What is self-esteem? What does it mean when it's low? Imagine that you're at an auction, the highest bidder get's the prize. You aren't the highest bidder. Someone else get's your life. What are you worth? Will you be the rubbish you throw out as you clean your room, or will you look in the mirror and realize that you aren't just flesh machine and monitor, lagging behind on dial-up. No, you are a living being seeking nurture and care, with sadness in your eyes from beating yourself down. It's as if your own spirit is having an autoimmune response to your body.

I remember being considered mousy, being told to stand up for myself. Wearing hand-me-down clothes with neglect to how I look. I was considered a "Second Kaitlyn" (Kaitlyn being my step-sister, at the time). I remember pathetically writing down all the things my step-sister told me I was with dry erase marker on my arm, when really I was half-temped to cut myself. Who was I? I doubted my memory, admitted to guilt any time it was really another sibling getting in trouble. Thinking it was somehow my fault. My mom got sick of my step-sister and I fighting every night, and if we didn't stop she would disown us both. Mom yelled at me to stand up for myself, egging me on to fight back. I told her I didn't want to.

Low self-esteem is an awful feeling. Imagine a life saving organ transplant suddenly rejected. That, that's your life. The words of someone close saying you're "boring" or "socially retarded" echo through your head, and you confuse subjective value with absolute value. Am I worth getting out of bed today? Am I worth the meals I eat? Am I worthy of happiness? Am I worthy of friendship? Am I? The suffocating burden of existence, taking up space is vulnerable. I remember times when I tried to stay as still as possible, hoping the person I was anxious about would leave me alone. One thing I noticed about low self-esteem is it wasn't necessarily self-centric. Not to say it was in an altruistic way, but in avoidance of negative stimuli like criticism, rejection, aggression, etc. The focus is on the whims of another person, and the resulting self-criticism when you don't meet their expectations.

I have a lot of negative beliefs about myself and the world around me. For the world, I'm chalk full of pessimism. I believe jobs are soul-sucking monsters that will tear you from the very liberty you deserve. That society is narrow-minded and oppressive to the common person. That conventional education is the death of intellect and creativity. That the government is corrupt and shallow, controlling the masses without really understanding our needs. That your vote doesn't count. That corporations are raping us from life and freedom. That cars are destroying the environment. That the concept of gender is putting everyone in little boxes. That romance is selfish, manipulative, and delusional. That sex is predatory and perverse. That my friends have only a superficial connection to me and it will end in abandonment. And for the beliefs about myself: That I am dependent and helpless. That I'm unskilled and boring. That I'm a loser and worthless. That I'm lazy and weak.

What have I got to lose for having low self-esteem? I deserve what I get, right? So far I've found that the consistent attack on myself has lowered my expectations of myself and lead me to underestimate my abilities. And so I don't take risks, don't trust myself to make decisions, and over-analyze my potential actions for fear of making a mistake. I'm learning that I can't live my life this way, the negativity is not working. I think that if I just valued myself more, I'd have more of an excuse to live life to the best of my ability and won't let the opinions of others destroy me. I know I need to practice taking care of myself better.

But what if I were to see myself as a person, what would I see in myself? I am reflective: I can spend hours articulating my thoughts, trying to understand a subject or absorb an experience. I am an autodidact: I can find books at the library, online courses, volunteer opportunities, and even games that will not only educate me on my interest for free, but also in a fun way, too. I am cuddly: I love snuggling with a teddy bear and daydreaming that I have someone to hold onto. I am imaginative: I remember when I'd take breaks learning about a subject to create thought experiments with the new data. I am unconventional: I question most aspects of society and life, I'm determined to live life the way I want even if it goes against what we've learned about life so far.